December 5, 2012 karencatlin

What did the parents do right?

When I meet someone who really has their act together, I often wonder what their childhood must have been like, what their parents must have done right.

This fall, I wrote letters of recommendation for one such person, a former employee, who is applying to some of the top business schools in the US. In addition to answering specific questions about the candidate, I was asked to check off skills and qualities from a large grid of leadership qualities. As I read over the grid, I started wondering how a parent raises a child who can get into these schools, a child who:

“Is respectful to all and generous with praise; ensures other opinions are heard.”
“Is reliable and authentic even at some personal cost; works to ensure all members of the organization operate with integrity.”
“Brings others together across boundaries to achieve results and share best practices.”
“Inspires and motivates others to develop by providing feedback and identifying new growth opportunities as well as supporting their efforts to change.”
and the list keeps going

There is no simple answer, but I bet his parents must have been strong role models of all of these qualities.

If you are a parent, or if children are an important part of your life, how do you help them develop leadership qualities? Did you have a leadership role model growing up? I’d like to hear from you!

–Karen

December 3, 2012December 22, 2012 karencatlin

You learn something new every day

I can still hear my high school English teacher, Mr. Steiner, saying “You learn something new every day.” He challenged us to stump him with questions about the news, trivia, and vocabulary. I appreciated that he sought to regularly learn from his students, and that he was both honest and humble when he didn’t know something.

Last month, I attended a talk by Rosalind Wiseman, a parenting educator and author of several publications including Queen Bees and Wannabes. Rosalind spoke about how parents should take responsibility if they see an injustice such as bullying, and what to do if your child is a victim. She emphasized that if you don’t know how to handle an issue that your child brings to you, admit it. But, at the same time, turn it into an advantage. Since your child would most likely rather scrub toilets than talk to a counselor, use the fact that you don’t know how to handle the situation into an offer of “But, I know just the person who can help…”

I started thinking about how I’ve handled situations at work over the years when someone asked me a question I couldn’t answer. Sometimes these were technical questions, sometimes personnel questions. I wouldn’t ever just say “I don’t know” and leave it at that. I would put that person in touch with someone who I thought would know the answer. If it was something I thought I should know as well, I’d offer to send an email or attend a meeting with both people. I guess this is my equivalent of turning it into an advantage: I had the chance to learn from someone else as well as expand my network within my company.

When my kids need help with homework, I am embarrassed to admit how often I’m stumped. History questions are the worst. (Thank goodness for the internet!) But, I often learn something interesting and applicable as a leader…

When my daughter was in 9th grade, she asked me to read over an essay she was working on for English class. She specifically asked for feedback about its style, explaining that it had to follow the format of a persuasive essay. When I admitted to her that I didn’t know what to look for, she patiently walked me through a letter by Dr. Martin Luther King, pointing out the role of each paragraph. Not only was I then able to give her feedback on her piece, I learned something I would apply at work the very next day. An employee in one of my groups had written a statement about how he disagreed with a standards proposal published by another organization. His draft was antagonistic and not very compelling. I suggested that he rewrite his letter, following the format of a persuasive essay. I felt I was giving helpful, constructive feedback, and I remember being so grateful for what my daughter had taught me.

But, let’s face it. Admitting that you don’t know something is hard. After all, shouldn’t leaders and parents be all-knowing? To turn not knowing something into an advantage, I try to follow these best practices:

I don’t pretend to know an answer when I don’t.
I ask a lot of questions. Not only does this help me learn, I am also showing I’m interested and want to help.
I offer at least one step to take to find the answer.
I look to learn something from it.

Did you learn something new today? What have you learned from the children in your life that you’ve brought to the office? I’d love to hear from you!

–Karen

November 29, 2012December 22, 2012 karencatlin

How to talk so teams will listen

It’s obvious that I’ve been thinking about the intersection of leadership and parenting for a long time. I recently caught up with someone I worked with over 10 years ago. As I told her about my new blog and leadership coaching business, she said that she had fond memories of a book club that I used to run for the program managers at our company. One of her favorite discussions was on How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

Yup. I asked a group of professionals, most of whom did not have kids, to read a parenting book. In doing so, I asked them to imagine that the title of the book was “How to Talk so TEAMS Will Listen & Listen so TEAMS Will Talk.” And it worked! We had a great conversation about the book and how to apply it to our work environment.

Do you have a favorite parenting book that has helped shape your leadership style? Please tell me about it by commenting on this post. I look forward to hearing from you.

–Karen

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November 26, 2012December 22, 2012 karencatlin

When is it okay to play favorites?

I think most of us would bristle if we were accused of playing favorites with our kids. I love my children deeply and unconditionally, and I would never intentionally hurt them. I want them to grow up to be happy, successful adults. And I certainly don’t want to give one of them an advantage at the expense of the other. I do my best not to play favorites.

But what about at the office? I was once accused of playing favorites by a member of my staff. I am sure I denied it at the time; it was so hard to hear that feedback. But, as I reflected on it, I realized there were some elements of truth to it. While the work this person was doing was important to the company, I was giving more of my time, more resources, and more opportunities to another staff member who was making a larger impact to our business. Before I started feeling too guilty, I remembered reading in First, Break All The Rules…What the World’s Greatest Managers Do Differently that the best managers do play favorites.

It turns out that many managers spend most of their time on their least productive employees, wanting to help them improve. They feel they don’t need to spend as much time with their most productive employees, because they can already do their jobs well. Sounds sensible, right? But, as First, Break All The Rules points out, it’s a mistake. The greatest managers spend time with their best employees, figuring out what they need to be even more productive and more engaged in the business. For example,

Do they need more budget?
Do they need to be introduced to someone who can help them with an assignment?
Do they have skills that are being underutilized?
Are they working on highly-visible projects that could lead to promotions?
Do the company’s leaders know about them?

Not only is it okay to play favorites at work, it’s a best practice. In hindsight, I wish I had agreed with the employee who accused me of playing favorites. If I could do it all over again, I would have told why I was giving more of my attention to another employee, hopefully in a way that was not hurtful, but honest and even motivating to him. If a group within a department has the opportunity to wildly exceed expectations, the entire department will benefit from an improved reputation. There will be more opportunities, more budget, more trust, and more respect. Just as all boats rise at the same rate with the tide, so do groups within a department.

By contrast, I don’t think the same rules should be applied at home. While I certainly make decisions about how to spend my time and money on music lessons, club sports teams, and other extra-curricular activities for my kids, I do so to help them discover and hone their individual talents. When one of my kids sees me spending more time with a sibling on homework on any given night, I hope they know that I will be there when they need help. I don’t ever want to play favorites with my children.

I write this blog to explore the intersection of leadership and parenting. But, on occasion, I will find areas where they don’t align. I think this is one of them. Do you agree?

–Karen

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November 21, 2012 karencatlin

No Kids? No Promotion!

I heard the most fascinating story over dinner last week. Earlier in her career, a friend of mine worked for a large, successful software company (which has since been acquired by a larger, even more successful software company). A management position opened up on her team, and my friend, who wanted to move into management, applied for it. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out. Afterwards, she heard from a colleague that there were concerns about her ability to manage people because she did not have children. Apparently, this interview team believed parenting skills were an important part of leadership training. Wow.

I’m curious….has anyone else witnessed this kind of bias? I’d like to hear from you.

–Karen

November 19, 2012 karencatlin

When did you learn to drive the tractor?

Photo of a tractor — © Copyright Dave Fergusson and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence

I don’t know many farmers. But, when I meet someone who was raised on a farm, I like to ask how old they were when they learned to drive the tractor. Turns out it is a significant rite of passage—the day that they felt responsible for their family’s property and were expected to contribute to their family’s income.

Rites of passage take on many forms in different cultures: Bar and Bat Mitzvah rituals, quinceañera celebrations, religious confirmations, graduations, marriage ceremonies, drivers license tests, and so on. All of them mark a significant change, many come with increased responsibility, and they often include a celebration. We prepare our children for the rites of passage that are in keeping with our family’s values, religious traditions, and other cultural norms, and we are so very proud when they reach them.

In the workplace, rites of passage are often tied to promotions, increased responsibility, or changes in responsibility that come with lateral job moves. Just like parents, leaders play an important role in helping employees achieve these milestones. I love this quote by Jack Welch: Before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself. When you become a leader, success is all about growing others.

However, growing others isn’t just making sure that employees can learn the skills and check off the accomplishments needed for promotion. In the companies I’ve worked for, there have always been more nuanced expectations. For example,

Does this person take initiative?
Do they take appropriate risks?
Do they mentor others?
Do they have what it takes to work with customers?
Do they care about the success of the company?

As leaders, we need to know about these unspoken qualifications and make sure our employees have opportunities to demonstrate them. We need to coach them and ensure that they are prepared for the next steps in their careers. And, just like a proud parent, we should feel a sense of accomplishment when our employees achieve these corporate rites of passage.

I believe that all of us want to make a difference and feel that sense of responsibility that must come with learning to drive a tractor on a farm. What is the equivalent rite of passage in your family? In your organization? What are you doing to help prepare your kids or your employees? I look forward to learning from you.

–Karen

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November 15, 2012 karencatlin

Keep On Keeping On

A friend sent me a link to a recent HBR podcast, Ernest Shackleton’s Lessons for Leaders in Harsh Climates. If you read my previous blog post about making difficult decisions, you know I am a fan of Shackleton and his leadership style. I’ve read a lot about him already, and I have to admit that I didn’t think I would learn anything from the podcast. But, I decided to listen to it, and it was worth my while. Let me tell you why…

The 30-minute podcast features Nancy Koehn, Harvard Business School historian and editor of The Story of American Business. She uses Shackleton’s story as a case study with her MBA students, and, in this podcast, she discusses how to apply Shackleton’s leadership to today’s tough business conditions. Interestingly, she also touches on some parenting scenarios. As you can imagine, my ears perk up when I hear someone else exploring the intersection of leadership and parenting. In this case, it was about perseverance, or “keep on keeping on” especially when the going gets tough.

Later in the day, I was thinking about the phrase “keep on keeping on” as I read An Overwhelmed Mother’s Departure Memo in the New York Times. After outlining her insane day juggling her kids and her job, she concludes with,

Needless to say, I have not been able to simultaneously meet the demands of career and family, so have chosen to leave private practice, and the practice of law (at least for now). I truly admire all of you that have been able to juggle your career and family and do not envy what a challenge it is trying to do each well.

In her case, the demands were too much, and she decided to stop keep on keeping on. However, not everyone has that choice; Shackleton did not give up, many working parents can’t quit due to financial concerns, and those parents of special needs kids who won’t ever give up on their children.

Do you feel you have a choice when the going gets tough? How do you “keep on keeping on” at work? At home? I look forward to hearing from you.

–Karen

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November 12, 2012 karencatlin

A Gratitude a Day Keeps the Stress Away

When I was growing up, my mom had a card on her kitchen bulletin board that had the simple phrase, “Keep Smiling.” I imagine she must have looked at it often when she was raising her five children.

I think my mom was on to something. Today, there is scientific research on the positive effects, even competitive advantages, of being happy and grateful, with many authors and speakers spreading the word. I had the opportunity to hear Shawn Achor, author of The Happiness Advantage, talk about positive psychology. In fact, I heard him twice: once at an executive offsite held by my company and again a few months later through Common Ground, a speaker series sponsored by my children’s school. He surprised me by giving the same talk to both of these audiences. Clearly his message is equally applicable to both leaders and parents.

Shawn recommends five small changes that will have a lasting impact on your optimism:

Make a life habit out of gratitude. Write three things at the beginning of every day that you are grateful for. At dinner, share things that you are grateful for with your family.
Keep a journal. Write about one meaningful, positive experience you had over the past day. Do it every day for 21 days, and it will become a habit.
Exercise every morning. You will be more successful with your daily responsibilities because of it.
Meditate. Take your hands off your keyboard and watch your breath for two minutes. You will learn to focus more and multi-task less, which will reduce stress.
Practice random acts of kindness. Write a two sentence email to thank someone, personally or professionally, before you read anything in your inbox. Start off your day expressing gratitude.

Soon after hearing Shawn speak, I added “Gratitudes” to the agenda for my weekly staff meetings. I’d start the meeting with something I was thankful for, either at work or at home, and then I’d ask my staff if they had something to share. I liked the way I felt after doing this. The stress of whatever I had been dealing with that morning was left behind, and I was able to focus fully on the meeting. I also learned some neat things about my staff and what was going on with their groups or in their personal lives.

I wish I could say that I do the same thing over the dinner table at home. On occasion, we will share what we are grateful for, but it is not a daily habit. I think I need to start it. If my kids are reading this post, be prepared!

What do you think of Shawn’s five small changes to improve optimism? Do you already do some or all of them at home? At work? I’d love to hear from you.

–Karen

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November 8, 2012December 22, 2012 karencatlin

The Power of Imperfection

“Perfect parenting does not exist, and it is the imperfections that lead to resilient children.”

The Most Reverend Dr. Katharine Jefferts Schori spoke these words at Maria Shriver’s Women’s Conference in 2010. She was on a panel about leadership, and the conversation touched on the stress that working parents often feel.

When I heard Dr. Schori’s comment, I remember feeling an immediate sense of relief. I know I’m not perfect, but I had never before thought about the benefits of making mistakes. Every parent wants what is best for their child, to protect them from harm, and to unconditionally love them. However, we are humans and we make mistakes; we might forget to send our child to school with their lunch, we might drop them off at a soccer practice without making sure that the coach is there, we might forget that the fuel tank is approaching empty when we let our newly licensed child drive it for the first time, and so on. Each of these mistakes can provide learning opportunities for our children.

Just as perfect parenting does not exist, the same holds true for perfect leadership. As leaders, we strive to do our best, but we should accept the imperfections in our leadership. These shortcomings can help our team learn, become resilient, and develop their own leadership style.

I’m not advocating that parents or leaders should try to make mistakes; instead, I believe that we should be comfortable with the fact that we are not perfect. Chances are, our children and our staff are more resilient as a result.

Do you agree?

–Karen

November 5, 2012 karencatlin

Shamash of the Day, and other Thoughts on Win-Win Solutions

The votes are in! Many of you visited the voting page to tell me what topics you would like to hear about (thanks!), and conflict management is a top request. While this topic is deep and complex, with scholarly research and formal models used by professional mediators, I have some simple approaches to share that have worked for me over the years.

I’ll start with a story. When my kids were little, they attended preschool at the local Jewish Community Center. As part of the daily routine, one of the kids was chosen to be the “shamash” to help the teacher. (I believe this term comes from synagogues, where the shamash is someone who assists the rabbi.) At our preschool, the shamash chose the story to be read at nap time, headed up the line to the playground, and even put the challah bread in the oven on Fridays. My kids loved being the shamash! And I think the teachers loved having a shamash as well. Since everyone took turns being the assistant, the teachers didn’t have to remember who the line leader was yesterday or who hadn’t had a turn in a while. What a brilliant idea for reducing rivalry and conflict! So, I decided to apply the shamash concept at home. On alternating days, my kids took turns being the shamash, which meant they chose what television show to watch, what book would be read aloud at bedtime, and who would take their bath first. As they got older, the choices evolved to things like who got to sit in the front seat of the car. By having a shamash, we virtually eliminated the potential conflict over daily decisions; my kids felt things were fair.

Of course, not every conflict can be prevented by having a shamash. Whenever there are groups or individuals who perceive an inequity or have a difference of opinion, conflict can occur.

Earlier in my career, I participated in a leadership-focused book club. One of our discussions was on Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher, William Ury, and William Paton. From its jacket: “Getting to Yes offers a concise, step-by-step, proven strategy for coming to mutually acceptable agreements in every sort of conflict – whether it involves parents and children, neighbors, bosses and employees, customers or corporations, tenants or diplomats.” I appreciated the authors’ emphasis on win-win solutions and their examples of what happens when you make assumptions about what the other side wants to achieve. If you start negotiating with misunderstanding, it’s bound to fail.

Even with a great resource like “Getting to Yes,” I still find that managing conflict is hard work.

I often find I’m emotionally exhausted by handling conflicts. In trying to get to the root of the disagreement, I find myself carefully asking questions, empathizing without taking sides, and, at times, walking on eggshells in an attempt to not make things worse.
I can get defensive if the conflict is with me.
I may upset others, especially if I tell them how to resolve things in a way they don’t agree with.
In the moment, I’m tempted to ignore the conflict or procrastinate. While time may heal some issues, the big conflicts never resolve themselves.

So, when I need to manage conflict, I remind myself of these best practices:

Get ahead of it. If possible, I try to prevent conflict from happening by setting things up for success, as I did by having my kids take turns being the shamash. At work, I look for ways to build relationships which will serve as building blocks for resolving future conflict.
Focus on the issue at hand, not the emotions, egos, or politics. I do my best to understand what each side wants to achieve. I put myself in their shoes, and I summarize their goals or concerns as simply as possible. I ask them if there is anything I missed.
Acknowledge strong emotions but don’t pass judgment. I say things like “I can see you are upset” or “You look frustrated.”
Brainstorm solutions. Working with both sides, I identify potential ways to resolve the concerns or meet the goals. I make sure they participate in generating ideas so that they are more likely to feel a sense of ownership. I try to find win-win solutions.
Resolve it. I objectively explain which solution seems best and why. I look for ways to help both sides save face.

What approaches have you used to manage conflict as a parent or a leader? Do you have a favorite book to recommend on the topic? I look forward to hearing from you.

–Karen

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