November 8, 2012December 22, 2012 karencatlin

The Power of Imperfection

“Perfect parenting does not exist, and it is the imperfections that lead to resilient children.”

The Most Reverend Dr. Katharine Jefferts Schori spoke these words at Maria Shriver’s Women’s Conference in 2010. She was on a panel about leadership, and the conversation touched on the stress that working parents often feel.

When I heard Dr. Schori’s comment, I remember feeling an immediate sense of relief. I know I’m not perfect, but I had never before thought about the benefits of making mistakes. Every parent wants what is best for their child, to protect them from harm, and to unconditionally love them. However, we are humans and we make mistakes; we might forget to send our child to school with their lunch, we might drop them off at a soccer practice without making sure that the coach is there, we might forget that the fuel tank is approaching empty when we let our newly licensed child drive it for the first time, and so on. Each of these mistakes can provide learning opportunities for our children.

Just as perfect parenting does not exist, the same holds true for perfect leadership. As leaders, we strive to do our best, but we should accept the imperfections in our leadership. These shortcomings can help our team learn, become resilient, and develop their own leadership style.

I’m not advocating that parents or leaders should try to make mistakes; instead, I believe that we should be comfortable with the fact that we are not perfect. Chances are, our children and our staff are more resilient as a result.

Do you agree?

–Karen

October 29, 2012December 22, 2012 karencatlin

When it’s time to kill the sled dogs

One of my favorite books is “Endurance,” Sir Ernest Shackleton’s story of his attempt in 1914 to cross Antartica via the South Pole. After his ship became stuck in ice, Shackleton led his crew on a two year journey to safety. Along the way, he showed incredible leadership. One example is when he made the difficult decision to kill the sled dogs, who were a drain on their precious supplies. Shackleton, knowing that his men were fond of the animals, talked about how much the dogs consumed for a few weeks before announcing his decision. By socializing the idea that they may need to kill the dogs, he gave everyone time to come to grips with it.

As leaders, we are faced with difficult decisions all the time. I remember a particularly challenging hiring process for a manager in my department. I was looking for someone with a specific technical expertise who could also chart an inspiring, strategic direction. After reviewing many resumes, I found an ideal candidate and brought him in to be interviewed by the team. Afterwards, I led a debriefing session to gather everyone’s feedback. To my surprise, they gave a collective thumbs-down. I couldn’t believe it! He was more than qualified and an all-around nice guy, but still the team didn’t think he was the right person to hire. Over the next couple of days, I muddled over this feedback, consulted with some of my trusted members of the team, and ultimately decided to hire him. My gut told me he was the one. When I announced my decision to the team, I made sure I did three things:

I acknowledged that I heard their feedback,
I told them I was going against their recommendations and explained why, and
I asked them to keep an open mind as the candidate joined us.

Even though my decision was unpopular, I heard later that the team appreciated how direct I was. They were open-minded as they welcomed their new manager, and he became both successful and well-respected. I would make that tough decision again in a heart beat.

The decisions we face as parents can be just as difficult and seem to be never ending. What pediatrician will we choose for our baby? Do we spend the extra money for organic food? Do we trust this caregiver? What school option is right for our child? Should we get a dog? Does our preteen need a cell phone? Is our 16-year old responsible enough to get her driver’s license? The list is endless.

Even with years of experience as both a leader and a parent, I still find it hard to make tough decisions because:

I may not have all the information to make the decision. So, I have to trust my instinct.
I may make the wrong decision. I don’t have a crystal ball that shows me the impact of my decisions. If and when I make a mistake, I own it. I take responsibility for the decision and how to handle the fallout.
I may be less liked. Tough decisions are rarely popular.

Given that making difficult decisions is a fact of life, I have found these best practices helpful:

I reflect my personal values. I do my best to be genuine and transparent, and to share my thoughts about the decision in a way that is respectful to those that will be impacted. I try to empathize with anyone who will be impacted by a decision.
I often socialize a decision before it is final to gather more input and to give others time to deal with it. I explain why I need to make the decision, and how I am going to make the decision. I listen to what others have to say about it, and decide if I should reflect their input in my decision. I make note of concerns that I want to address when I explain what decision I have made.
I don’t procrastinate. Tough decisions rarely get easier to make over time. If there is no obvious deadline, I choose one and stick to it. I strive to give myself enough time to evaluate options and the impact on my business or family, but not to the extreme that I can’t make a timely decision.
I am definitive. When I share the final decision, I don’t second guess myself. I make sure others know the decision is final. At home, where my husband and I share the decision making process, I use words like, “Dad and I have decided…” At work, I say direct things like, “This decision is final.”

While I hope you and I never have to actually kill any sled dogs, we will continually face tough decisions at work and at home. What best practices do you follow? I’d love to hear them and learn from you.

–Karen

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October 22, 2012December 22, 2012 karencatlin

The “Aha” Moment

As a mentor, I’m frequently asked for advice about delegation, a skill that many new managers find difficult to master. I firmly believe that delegation is difficult until the first time an employee surprises you by doing something better than you would have done yourself. That is the “aha” moment that changes everything.

At home, I had such “aha” moments as I’ve watched my children do their chores over the years. When they were young and just starting to help prepare meals, I remember asking them to get strawberries for lunch. If I had done this myself, I would have washed the berries, removed the hulls, and cut them into bite sized pieces. My children “streamlined” the process by washing the berries and putting them directly on their plates. Call them lazy or call them clever, but they knew they could get away without cutting the berries because they could nibble around the hulls.

A more recent “aha” moment happened as I watched my teenagers divvy-up household tasks. When I asked them to clean up after dinner, they figured out how to split the work of loading the dishwasher, putting away left-overs, and scrubbing the pots. If I were the task master, I’m sure I would hear cries of, “That’s not fair” or “I had to wash the pots last night.” Instead, they worked it out without any help from me.

With all due respect to my children, the “aha” moments I’ve had at work are more significant. I’ve been impressed over and over again with how my staff approaches tasks, utilizes their network of colleagues to brainstorm solutions, and creates top-notch deliverables. They get more done than I could possibly do myself, and they do it well.

Whether as a parent or as a leader, I see three reasons to delegate:

Delegation frees me to do higher-level tasks. At work, this means I can spend time thinking strategically about an opportunity. At home, I can spend time on a hobby or paying bills.
Delegation teaches new skills to my team or my children. My employees need to know how to talk to customers, write executive summaries, and prioritize work. My kids need to know how to tidy their rooms, use the microwave, do laundry, and clean a toilet.
Delegation involves others to create better ways of doing something or thinking about something. Co-workers often identify better approaches to get something done. Teens might play their favorite music to make a chore fun.

However, I realize that delegation can be difficult to do well. Imagine when I ask my children to tidy their rooms. In my mind, a clean room has certain characteristics: the bed is made, clean clothes are put away, and dirty clothes are in a laundry basket or, better yet, in the washing machine. Not surprisingly, my children may have a different definition of a clean room. It may mean everything that was on the floor is now piled on their desk, or that the basket of clean laundry is tucked away in the closet, out of sight. The potential for misunderstanding is huge.

There are so many reasons why delegation can fail, at home or at work, including:

No clear definition of success. “I’ll know it when I see it” doesn’t work when delegating. I need to describe what a finished work deliverable will contain or what a clean room will look like. I regularly remind myself that my employees and my children can’t read my mind.
No context of why a task needs to be done. “Because I said so” doesn’t work well over the long term either as a parent or as a leader. I need to explain the consequences of not doing the chore or the work assignment. Will I take away a privilege from my child? Will our department be denied a budget request if the proposal isn’t completed? By being specific, I try to motivate my staff or my children to do the task.
No timeframe for completion. We all tend to be excellent procrastinators. However, if I want my kids to clear their backpacks from the family room before guests come to dinner, I need to be clear about the deadline.
Relegation, not delegation. I don’t ask my kids or my staff to do something that I wouldn’t do myself. If there is undesirable, dirty work to be done, I take turns doing it.
Micromanagement. While I may share suggestions for tackling a project, or check in every so often on larger projects, I try not to micromanage. This is often challenging because I am a bit of a control freak. But, I try to let my child or my employee make decisions about how to get a project done. Otherwise, they will learn only from the way I have done things before and the mistakes I have made, which, in turn, influence how I do things. They need to experience their own challenges, make mistakes, and figure out approaches that work best for them.

So, whether I am asking my kids to help with housework or asking an employee to take on a new project, I follow this simple best practice:

Describe the task
Explain why the task is important
Specify what success will look like
Identify when the task must be completed
Step away
Observe and learn by how the task gets done

By following this best practice, I’ve had many “aha” moments. I look forward to hearing about your experiences, and I hope that your “aha” moments start rolling in.

–Karen

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October 14, 2012December 22, 2012 karencatlin

Turn on Your Listening Ears

When my kids were toddlers, I often took them to playgroups at local parks or friends’ homes. At one playgroup, I remember smiling when another mom told her son Ryan to “turn on his listening ears” and he actually reached up to twist an imaginary dial near his ear. It was his signal that he had heard his mom and was ready to pay attention.

While I often asked my children to turn on their listening ears when they were younger, I think I would fall over if they repeated that phrase to me now as teenagers. Instead, they have other cues to let me know they need my attention. Sometimes it will be a straightforward, “Can I talk to you in my room” or a sweet, “Can you tuck me in tonight?” When they were younger, I knew something was wrong when they threw toys or lost their tempers.

Regardless of the signals used, it’s so important to listen with our full attention. Many years ago, I made the mistake of not taking my hands off my keyboard when my co-worker, Bob, stopped by to talk. As I chatted, I literally kept my hands over the keys, poised to continue typing as soon as he left. I wasn’t aware of the silent “I’m too busy to talk” message I was sending. Thankfully, Bob called me on it. He pointed out my body language and how it made him feel. Ever since that day, I am more mindful of how I give my attention to someone who stops by my office.

Have you ever chatted with someone who is constantly scanning the room beyond you? When this happens to me, I think, “Why are they looking for someone more interesting or important than me?” Frankly, it’s rude! While I am sure I am guilty of doing this myself, I do take active measures to help prevent it. For example, I once had an office with a large interior window, and co-workers were constantly walking by. When I held meetings in my office, I would purposefully turn my back to this window so that I wouldn’t be distracted. It was a small gesture, but important for me to give my full attention to the other person in my office.

With my children, I also strive to use body language to show that they have my full attention. In the car, where many great parent-teen conversations occur, I silence the radio. At home, I turn away from my email and face them. However, I don’t pause doing the more menial tasks that might be at hand, such as folding laundry or emptying the dishwasher. Not only is it tempting to just keep doing these tasks to get them done while we talk, I also think their routine nature is comforting to my children and encourages them to open up. It’s even better when we can do these everyday activities together.

Clearly, there are many ways to give someone your full attention, but why is it even important?

To gain insight. I learn so much by listening. I glean different perspectives and sometimes pick up hip, new vocabulary. I get information I need to do my job or to be a better parent.
To build connections. I better understand the challenges others are facing and how I might help them. I try to show empathy, which can lead to more discussions in the future. My children and my employees need to know that they are being heard, that their thoughts are valued, and that they are cared about.
To model good behavior. If I don’t listen to my kids, why would I expect them to listen to me? Likewise for employees.

To give someone my full attention, I keep in mind this best practice:

Stop what I’m doing. Unless the everyday activity is going to make someone feel more comfortable, I stop, really stop, what I’m doing. I put down my book, take my hands off the keyboard, face the other person, etc. If I need to pay attention to someone on the phone, I get away from my computer and other distractions. Sometimes, I’ll stand up to help me focus. If I’m in the car, I turn off the radio. I try to make the other person feel that he or she is more important than anything else going on.
Listen without interrupting. I do my best to not jump in with my thoughts or a solution until the other person has finished explaining things.
Ask questions to show that I am interested and to clarify anything that isn’t clear. I use the same open ended questions at home and at the office. E.g., “Tell me more” or “Give me an example” or “How did that make you feel?” or “What do you think we should do?”
Summarize what I’ve have heard, as simply as possible.

When you turn on your listening ears, are you doing everything you can to make your child or employee feel that they are the most important person in the room? What approaches work best for young children vs. teens? When have you found it most challenging to give your full attention to someone at work? Please share your thoughts. I am listening!

–Karen

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